The last few days have been a bit topsy-turvy for me. I am not nearing my period so I cannot blame this on PMS or any such hormonal imbalances. I have been extremely sensitive lately. Seems my intuition is also out of whack. I could say I don't know why I have been so sensitive lately. And I could speculate that it's the changes in weather, or lack of vitamins from the sun, or I haven't been eating right, or I am feeling a little blue, or I have been anxious about these medical tests that I am being put through. However, I would also be lying to myself if I believed any of these possibilities. There's only one reason why I have been overly sensitive, a tad paranoid, a little snappish, and all kinds of moody.

Moving on... swiftly.

I have recently discovered something about myself. I may feel with all of my heart, and I know what's going on in my brain right now, but I cannot bring myself to say the things that have been swirling around in my brain and in my mouth. These 'things' have, more than once, almost tumbled off my tongue. That would have been disaster. I know I do not make sense, but this is my diary and if you don't understand me or what I have written then it takes two seconds to send me an email or write a comment in my guestbook asking: "Splinter -- What the hell?"

I don't know why I am suddenly feeling word-shy. I haven't really felt like this ever in my life. Maybe it's because I feel like I have a lot to lose at this point, or maybe it's because as I grow older I fill up with fear. In ten years I fear I might become agoraphobic at the rate I'm going!

I know, but surely you can't mean...

I sometimes wonder if people think I am going off the deep end, or if I've already walked that plank sometime ago. I don't perceive myself as being crazy, but I've been known to be wrong, time and again. Maybe I am slowly going crazy, or maybe this world is making me crazy.

I used to think I was a simple girl at heart. I liked simple words, simple reasons, simple explanations, simple answers, and simple questions. I have since started adoring complicated questions, complicated reasons and complicated explanations. But I still favour simple answers. If I ask a question, I would really actually prefer a clear-cut answer as opposed to a lesson in life. Although I do value these lessons, sometimes I feel they're unneeded.

See, I'm a second-guessing type of woman. I second-guess everything. I second-guess myself and my thoughts. I sometimes don't trust my own intuition simply because I always seem to expect the worst, or think of the worst-case scenario. Maybe it's because I secretly want to prepare myself, or maybe it's because it's how I have been programmed to think due to past occurrences and influences in my life. So what I take for love, could very well be something else because I am wrong....yet again.

To whom it may concern:

-- I have been trying hard to lose weight because I think if I lose a certain amount of weight I will become happier with my appearance, thus making me happier with myself. I am wrong. I have to be happy with myself first before I make any drastic movements. It only took me 27 years to learn this.

-- I call myself a dork because I am one. And I really hope that somebody out there can fall in love with my dorkiness. I have all of these quirks and habits that are most likely annoying, but I hope that somebody out there can fall in love with them. I bite my lower lip; I sometimes chew on my nails; I blush when I'm embarrassed, flustered, or shy; I seek acknowledgement, compliments, and praise whenever I can because I am hardly ever a recipient; I can't sit still unless I am comfortable and at peace with where I am in life and who I am with; I fidget and play with my hair because I can't sit still.

-- I ache for love, and to be loved, to be in love, to have love all around me. Like the song, I want to feel it in my fingers and in my toes. And I fear it'll ever only be one-sided because either I have been blind to the complicated reasons, explanations, and answers, or I have been stupid and need to reprogram my intuition.

-- I have been trying to be less serious, more outgoing and carefree - worryfree, and just an overall perfect person who is not filled to the brim with either paranoia or neuroses. Seems that I have been trying to be somebody who isn't me. I think I'll stop doing that now because I am tired.

-- I sometimes say things and then think of what I have just said. I don't think before I speak and suffer the consequences. Therefore, to all those I have ever tactlessly said something, I apologize. I never want to hurt anybody or make them feel doubted in any way. I sometimes trust people implicitly, but my words show otherwise. Ignore my words and forge on.

-- Is this a personal letter?

that x-ray

I went for my barium x-ray this morning at 8:30. They called me in, told me to strip to my underwear and put on a horribly complicated hospital gown with far too many ties. I put it on as best I could and still came out looking like a mangled dog. They then paraded me through the waiting area filled with people to sit in a smaller waiting area that had half-closed blinds for people to peer in and snicker, I'm sure. I felt like I was the livefreakshow before the circus. I sat down and promptly at 8:30 they arrived with 2 Styrofoam cups of chalk. I thought I had left my chalk-eating days behind, but not so. I was terribly dehydrated so I downed those two cups as fast as I could and managed to only gag once. It tasted like Maalox, so I wasn't surprised. I waited half an hour before they came to get me to then "take pictures". I had to lie on my stomach, then my back, and then this new fandangled high-tech digital table started to rise until I was standing on the very place I was sitting. I stepped off and they said they'd come for me in another 30 minutes. I sat there counting the coffee stirrers to amuse myself while thinking terrible thoughts such as "I'll never wear this shade of blue again. It doesn't match my sandals. I wonder if anybody can see the left side of my boob. Is it possible to look like a blue marshmallow?" and other such crazy thoughts intertwined with sane and paranoid thoughts of certain people and certain moments. They finally came for me 30 minutes later, to the second I might add, to take some more x-rays only they were a bit more uncomfortable. I had to contort my body by half-lying on my back, half-lying on my left side. As I turned to my left side I noticed a screen with my intestines. Yes, just what I needed to see just before going for breakfast. (Note: I actually did eat my sausages at breakfast. I apparently have an iron stomach.) After the picture taking was all done (never will do nude shots again I tell you) I was told to go eat, drink lots of water in the next 2-3 days to make sure all the barium exits my body, and that my results will be on the way to my doctor's office within an hour.

THANK GAWD IT'S OVER.

Now I get to sit on my precious ass and wait and hope that whatever is wrong with me is apparent in either the blood tests, or the x-ray because I sure as hell do not want a probe up my butt.

on a good note

I was told in creative writing class by some bogus teacher to always end on a good note. I've lost some fat on my body and can now feel some of my bones; bones I thought for sure went for a swim in the fat that had congealed around my muscles. If that makes any sense at all.